Traditional Sunday, chugging coffee, not giving a fuck, exhausted from lack of sleep (4 hours), between Daylight Savings Time and my daughter waking throughout the night I’m surprised I’d even decided to become awake and active.

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I’ve listened to the same audiobook four times, the first two just to listen, to finish the series, the last two to tune him out.  I’m just so tired of his lack of acknowledgment of me speaking exactly what he said he’d married me for, my brutal honesty, my severe bluntness, one of the sacred tenets of our marriage.  I’ve come to realize now that my honesty only applies when it’s beneficial to him.

I tell him I’m tired, I’m tired of arguing, of constantly being forced to see only his side of everything, when mine gets dragged through the fire, left unvalidated, scoffed at, ignored completely.

I cannot stand being jobless.  Feeling so incredibly helpless, so subservient to him.  That’s the only piece of my evacuation that I’m missing. 

The best I can do is keep hope, become stronger, more resilient.

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I’ve been presented with a phenomenal opportunity, to start my own business with the confidence and help of a dear friend, to sell Mary Kay, I’m amped by it, I just don’t know how to go about getting started.

She knows me looking for work has been rough, several many interviews without successful hire, several many more applications ignored by possible employers, she knows the amount of struggle I go through, yet she has this abundance of confidence in me.

This, I’m not used to, I’m used to doubting, not only from myself but from others.

I so very badly want this to work out, I just don’t know where to start.

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I’d came across this gorgeous picture when scrolling through my Facebook feed. It reminded me that I’m not centered, I’ve been scattered, that I need aligning. I need to reset focus on that which is important to me and clear my spaces (mental, emotional, physical, psychical) of the clutter that buzzes like angry wasps distracting and frightening me.

The past couple days have been entirely exhausting, I forgot how draining it is to be around this one individual, even at my insisting that I’d needed a reprieve from their social flitting, I wasn’t listened to.

I’m in the “house” primarily, very few trips outside, not because I dislike being outside, but because very often I become overwhelmingly overstimulated, and, like anyone, I dislike the drain that comes from it, not to mention that with slipped discs that seems to sap me that much faster.

Most of my more basic decluttering can take place over the weekend, the greater through time and patience. Patience – my lifelong metaphorical nemesis, is something I seemingly have a plenteous amount of for how much I dislike it, absolutely roots me in the worst way. It is one of my most secret weaknesses.

I started this entry with a point, but I feel it slipping from underneath me due to my exhaustion. I’ll make more sense later, and I’ll attempt to decipher this for you all. Thank you, for bearing with me.

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I’m in a scathing amount of pain right now, on the verge of tears and possible puking, my entire right leg is on fire, as is my lower back, and my hips feel as though they’ve imploded.

Babygirl refuses to sleep, refuses to keep a normally scheduled bedtime, I’m sitting here in this pain, after doing laundry, cleaning the “kitchen”, straightening the bathroom, and cooking dinner, and he still sits in front of the computer, where he’s been since he woke up at 7 am MT.

Just once, it’d be nice for a glimmer of good to shine through and him actually perform a random act of kindness.  Instead, he sits and calls me a hypochondriac, insinuates I’m faking, compares me to his scummy dirtbag addict children and ex, that I’m just looking for pills.

I just want to cry.

/whineover

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Nothing really to say today, so here’s a badass piggy that may possibly be going on a motorcycle ride.

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And some pretty damn adorable Malamute puppies that I’d go all Elmira on without the slightest reservation.

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And the pictures will only compound the pain.

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Because I’d feel that sense of relief and closure when I go to delete them.

I really have no idea what to blog about, and grow tired of rambling about my never-ending depressing life.