Traditional Sunday, chugging coffee, not giving a fuck, exhausted from lack of sleep (4 hours), between Daylight Savings Time and my daughter waking throughout the night I’m surprised I’d even decided to become awake and active.
I’ve listened to the same audiobook four times, the first two just to listen, to finish the series, the last two to tune him out. I’m just so tired of his lack of acknowledgment of me speaking exactly what he said he’d married me for, my brutal honesty, my severe bluntness, one of the sacred tenets of our marriage. I’ve come to realize now that my honesty only applies when it’s beneficial to him.
I tell him I’m tired, I’m tired of arguing, of constantly being forced to see only his side of everything, when mine gets dragged through the fire, left unvalidated, scoffed at, ignored completely.
I cannot stand being jobless. Feeling so incredibly helpless, so subservient to him. That’s the only piece of my evacuation that I’m missing.
The best I can do is keep hope, become stronger, more resilient.
I’ve been presented with a phenomenal opportunity, to start my own business with the confidence and help of a dear friend, to sell Mary Kay, I’m amped by it, I just don’t know how to go about getting started.
She knows me looking for work has been rough, several many interviews without successful hire, several many more applications ignored by possible employers, she knows the amount of struggle I go through, yet she has this abundance of confidence in me.
This, I’m not used to, I’m used to doubting, not only from myself but from others.
I so very badly want this to work out, I just don’t know where to start.
I’d came across this gorgeous picture when scrolling through my Facebook feed. It reminded me that I’m not centered, I’ve been scattered, that I need aligning. I need to reset focus on that which is important to me and clear my spaces (mental, emotional, physical, psychical) of the clutter that buzzes like angry wasps distracting and frightening me.
The past couple days have been entirely exhausting, I forgot how draining it is to be around this one individual, even at my insisting that I’d needed a reprieve from their social flitting, I wasn’t listened to.
I’m in the “house” primarily, very few trips outside, not because I dislike being outside, but because very often I become overwhelmingly overstimulated, and, like anyone, I dislike the drain that comes from it, not to mention that with slipped discs that seems to sap me that much faster.
Most of my more basic decluttering can take place over the weekend, the greater through time and patience. Patience – my lifelong metaphorical nemesis, is something I seemingly have a plenteous amount of for how much I dislike it, absolutely roots me in the worst way. It is one of my most secret weaknesses.
I started this entry with a point, but I feel it slipping from underneath me due to my exhaustion. I’ll make more sense later, and I’ll attempt to decipher this for you all. Thank you, for bearing with me.
I’m in a scathing amount of pain right now, on the verge of tears and possible puking, my entire right leg is on fire, as is my lower back, and my hips feel as though they’ve imploded.
Babygirl refuses to sleep, refuses to keep a normally scheduled bedtime, I’m sitting here in this pain, after doing laundry, cleaning the “kitchen”, straightening the bathroom, and cooking dinner, and he still sits in front of the computer, where he’s been since he woke up at 7 am MT.
Just once, it’d be nice for a glimmer of good to shine through and him actually perform a random act of kindness. Instead, he sits and calls me a hypochondriac, insinuates I’m faking, compares me to his scummy dirtbag addict children and ex, that I’m just looking for pills.
I just want to cry.
/whineover
Nothing really to say today, so here’s a badass piggy that may possibly be going on a motorcycle ride.
And some pretty damn adorable Malamute puppies that I’d go all Elmira on without the slightest reservation.
And the pictures will only compound the pain.
Because I’d feel that sense of relief and closure when I go to delete them.
I really have no idea what to blog about, and grow tired of rambling about my never-ending depressing life.
I miss that euphoria. The feeling of actual happiness, instead of this plastic, put-on, pretend bullshit that is my everyday existence. I’m done with this marriage, I just can’t handle the lack of reciprocation, the unequal effort, living with this constant struggle to keep us afloat when he’s happy settling with bare minimum. I love him, my heart and sanity just can’t handle it anymore. He’s happy with bare minimum, he can keep it. I want better for my kids and I.
I keep persisting and pushing forward, remaining stupidly and blindly optimistic, that something will bust loose and greatness will spill forth. I’ll add more to this entry later, or just issue another update.
Stress had finally come to a head, exhibiting physical symptoms, swollen lymph nodes, canker attack, supreme fatigue, you get the drift, when I’d realized that truly what was stressing me out were people that have absolutely no right to.
I have this awkward and terrible habit, well, conditioning that I will keep the peace no matter the cost, I will blame it mostly on my upbringing, being I was raised in am unconventional household, my mom had divorced my real father for his abusive tendencies, namely trying to kill me, waited a few years and she’d remarried, again, Mike was a drunk, abusive, volatile, controlling, anytime they’d gotten into a fight, I’d try my damndest to make sure peace was kept, that the family I did know was intact.
Years of this, almost 13 years, only I’d gone from meek, timid, peace-keeping Breanne to forceful, resilient, fierce, angry Breanne. Mike knew better to not confront me with any threats, physical violence, or any if his range of emotional warfare tactics.
Being married is hard for me, because I still try keeping the peace, and being married to someone 23 years older is tough. He already knows what he likes and prefers, how he likes things ran, and with him having 3 older, adult children, I usually feel out of place, like I’m their youngest aunt or older sister. So whenever any of them come around, and they become embroiled in whatever arguments, again, I snap back into peace-keeping action.
I place too much of the “This Must Be Right” stress upon myself, though, being that my husband is the catalyst for his own brand of chaos, and doesn’t care who it affects.
I just know something different needs to happen, no matter the players.
Updates
We didn’t move to Casper, things up there fell through.
It’s been awhile since I’ve blogged any, honestly, between all the shit going on in my daily life I find it hard to carve out enough time to issue a proper entry.
I’ve been dealing with a lot lately, mentally and emotionally, and physically.
Mentally; I’m always stressed, always thinking, I can’t ever get my brain to shut up.
Emotionally; I feel horrible because I’ve been looking for work for a little over a year now and absolutely nothing has happened. Plenty of interviews, no actual hires. I hate feeling as though I’m not doing enough to provide for my family, and it makes me feel worthless and useless, since I’m not able to put in equal effort to support my daughter.
Physically; I didn’t make it to my neurosurgery appointment scheduled back in July, no insurance card, they refused to see me, even though I’d had my number written down, I’ve decided that losing weight may take some strain off of my lower back, and so far, my hips have slimmed down a tiny.
Starting Fresh 